missing you comes in waves. tonight, i'm drowning.

"just move on," they say. don't you love that? just move on. they make it sound so easy. but it's not.

i think i always figured i'd know when it was time to move on and let someone go. i thought i'd feel really good about it and just pick up and head out. nobody warns you for what it's really like. it's a constant uphill battle.

staying away after choosing to walk away is the hardest. it's like quitting an addiction. it's saying 'no' over and over again every single day until you've finally, actually, moved on. it's trying to stay away from every chance of a relapse. it's seeing their name light up on your phone and feeling a mix of butterflies in your stomach and a lump in your throat. it feels good to be thought of and missed but you feel anger towards the person for making it even harder to stay away. it's seeing that green checkmark next to their name on skype and wrestling your own fingers to avoid hitting the call button. it's laying in bed at night and not knowing who to text about your day because, for so long, they were the go-to person that you shared everything with.

i wish things were a little more black and white. i wish i could know for certain that there was no way a person could fit into my life. i wish i could know that there was nothing else they could contribute to my life. and i wish i could know for certain when a person could fit into my life. but it's not so black and white. it's gray. and the gray area kills. it's filled with maybes and what-ifs. it's filled with efforts, letdowns, and momentary satisfactions that are never fulfilling. and i know i'm not the only one that puts myself through the struggle.

i think humans are just predisposed to keep trying. we're told from such a young age to never give up. we are encouraged to continue going after what we want. never let a good thing pass us by. work for it and the reward will be worth it. don't be a loser, be a winner. is that not what we've been taught?

admitting defeat isn't easy for us. letting go isn't usually what we want to do. but sometimes it's necessary. it's important to realize when someone is taking away from our lives more than they are contributing to it. it's a valuable lesson to learn, i guess. i think it means we value our own well-being over not being alone.

all my love,
E

knock, knock, you about to get shell shocked

i borrowed my best friend's little sister today. she's always up for being my model. i love it. she's gorgeous, funny, and, ahem, crazy. she's always doing something that makes you go, "oh, no. did you really?" like when she sends out selfies from your phone or when she calls your coworkers "accidentally." or when she tries to blast 'shell shocked' in the car on the way to the lake. she's lucky she's beautiful and is hopefully helping me pass this next assignment : )
check it out.

thanks, girly. you're the best.

all my love,
E

an almost-something

remember cute coach? the theo james clone i talked about earlier?

his little heart is breaking over a girl...we'll call her norway, for no reason in particular. though, he'd probably rather me refer to her as his norwegian, or his princess or, ya know, his norwegian princess. but we're not going to do that here. sorry, punk.

anyway, norway stole his heart. actually, i'm pretty sure he freely gave it away as people do when they 'bet all their chips in one hand' so to speak. it happens. you can't win every round. you take risks. and sometimes you lose. 

he says to me, "this is a terrible feeling." yeah, i know. i'm well versed in it, thank you very much. many of us are.

it's that feeling after losing something that you thought was going to be a real big something and ended up being a real big nothing. it was an almost-something. and losing an almost-something hurts nearly as much as losing an official-something.

it hurts to have someone run off on you when you've just decided to commit yourself fully to them. you go all-in and the other person takes off with your heart before taking that chance themselves. and as they go down their decided path, your heart follows in suit. you can't even be mad, because, hey, they never asked for your heart & they never asked for the commitment.

you're left to speculate on your own as to where you went wrong. and, because the other person isn't around much to answer your questions, you're left to decide for yourself what you could have done better or what was wrong with you. because you're human and, therefore, naturally hard on yourself, you think you're to blame for everything. but that's not the case. there were two people present. both of you had actions. both of you had decisions. you're only responsible for your own. rationalizing what you did against what someone else did is useless. 

but you're left remembering how sweet, charming, and perfect they were. it's stuck in your head and it's not coming out. i think it's harder coming out of an almost-something at this point because you weren't even together long enough to pick up on the other person's flaws. you can't be all, "oh, thank goodness i don't have to pick up his shoes scattered about the house anymore." because you don't even know if he leaves his shoes scattered about the house ever. you only know of the traits and habits they wanted you to know at this point. the beginning point. where everyone seems perfect. even if the person snores. somehow you think it's cute to hear the guy snoring next to you. it's almost reassuring to wake up and hear such an obnoxious noise 'cause, hey, you're not alone. not tonight. you know it and the people in the apartment next to you know it. i'm not even sure when the snoring stops being cute. is it bad that i've never gotten to that point?

then there's your friends. they have no idea what's going on so the questions come randomly. "what's up with you two? are you two official yet? what's the juice?" they can't even keep up with how on again and off again the relationship seems to be so they let you do your thing and wait. when it all comes crashing down, they don't even know what to say. i mean, after all, you two weren't together. it's not like you just added another name to your list of exes. though, you should be able to. it feels like an ex. an ex-something. because there was something there. 

thank goodness for best friends though. smiley face emoticon. they'll tell you that if the other person knew a good thing when they saw it, they'd have stuck around. they'll tell you that it's just as well that the other person is out of your life. you deserve better. full commitment. and i like hearing that, because that's exactly what every person deserves.

everyone has had an almost-something at some point in their life story. if not, they're coming. i'm pretty sure my share of them hasn't come to an end yet. i don't know why we fall into the trap. i'm convinced it's because, deep down, we're optimists and the idea of being in love and living happily ever after is too great to pass up. everybody wants to know what it's like to be a person's first priority. they want to be loved unconditionally. and when given an inch of affection, some of us will take it with a mile of hope. 

all my love,

E

fall colors

i have a problem with sightseeing as i'm driving. this is especially true during the fall season. the changing leaves make for a perfect picture and i just die to jump out of the car and snap one. but i can't because i'm usually running late for work. or busy avoiding work and driving to a different base. or trying to get the back windshield wiper to stop going. i always manage to make it work when i don't need it but i can't figure out how to make it go when i do need it. true story. anyway, today, i decided it was time to give in to my craving and take pictures of the fall foliage. i went to the lake down the road and it was gorgeous. there was even a little sun. that's pretty impressive for a date this late in the year here.

^this one is my favorite. it breaks nearly every rule i was taught in my photography classes but i think it's absolutely perfect.

aren't these beautiful? baby, just say yes. (taylor swift reference. seven hours 'til the new album!)

all my love,

E

on flooding cars

i was supposed to have today off. i had today off up until about 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon. life was good until 4. life is always good when it's friday and you think you're sleeping in the next morning because, hey, it's saturday. but no. at 4 o'clock yesterday afternoon, i was told to be to work at 7:30 the next morning. at least my bank account would be looking a bit less lonely. i guess.

7:30 comes fast on a saturday morning. did you know that? it does.

we had to set up the fields for the games. bring out the first aid kits, trash cans, and (very important for this story) the water coolers. and, because tackle football had to use our van on a different base this morning, i had to use my own rental car to transport all the stuff to the fields. four coolers in the back & trash bags, first aid kits, and a coworker in the front. we were off. we got three of the fields done and we were heading to the last one when 'thunk' happened. what is 'thunk'? 'thunk' is the cooler flipping over in the trunk of the car. a brand new car. registered on the 12th of august. brand new. we pulled over to try and grab it before all the water poured out but i couldn't figure out the trunk button. it wasn't working. the car was flooding. my life was over.

we finally got the trunk open and found the empty cooler but i didn't see any water. i believe in miracles. i was hoping that's what this was. i mean, things were a little wet, but there weren't any puddles of water. so back to the warehouse we went, filled up the cooler again and put it back in the car. it didn't fall over this time. i drove carefully.

at 10 o'clock, the games began i was under the impression that the car was fine.

now lets fast forward through me getting hit on by a ref & me letting it happen because i was cold and wanted to wear his coat. fast forward through me dancing down the lane of a closed down bowling alley to "dear future husband" by meghan trainor. fast forward through me illegally driving a vehicle and my coworkers making me believe i broke the engine. fast forward through me receiving a text that said, "btw, [so and so] told me that you're in love with me, hahaha." (ps, so and so is totally getting his trash kicked on wednesday). fast forward through me crying (literally) as a coworker wheeled me around on a dolly while i was imagining myself falling face first on the pavement. and fast forward through me getting dared to climb to the top of an old, abandoned air traffic control tower that i am convinced was haunted. it's now 6 o'clock.

"mom, don't get mad, but a water cooler fell over in the back of the rental. it's just a bit wet." -me
"how much water spilled out?!" -mom
"all of it?" -me

it turns out that a miracle didn't happen and all the water gathered in the wheel well. there was a good four inches of water just chilling there. and the back seats of the car had water lines on them. and were soaked. so there we were sopping up water with towels and wringing them out in the bushes. and there i was, in the garage, using a wet/dry vacuum to suck all the water out of the trunk. it was a mess. a mess that wouldn't have happened if i was given the day off. at least my dad thought it was funny. and so did the neighbors.

"good job washing the inside of the car."
"where does she get the blonde from?"

but, in my defense, i wholeheartedly believe that it is better to flood a car than to crash it.

all my love,
E

guy talk

working at a youth sports program has its perks. my hours allow me to sleep in almost every morning. i get paid to play soccer every afternoon. i don't have to say "credit or debit" anymore. it's wonderful.

and some of our coaches are pretty cute. and by cute i mean hot. it took me a good two weeks to even speak a word to one of them. even then i couldn't look him in the eye. even still.

"just talk to him. he's just a person." -friend
"uhm, no. he's not. he's gorgeous. too gorgeous to talk to." -me
"stop being dramatic." -friend
"i'm not being dramatic. you need to come see this." -me
"it's like you're 15 again." -friend
"no. it's like theo james just walked out of a tv screen and got lost so now he's coaching one of our football teams." -me
"oh, boy." -friend
"more like oh, man." -me

fast forward two months later. cute coach finds it funny i spent a month not being able to look at his face and i find myself driving out to the east football field to get some papers signed by his coaching team. any excuse to get out of the office, right? papers get signed (and also dropped in a puddle, whoops) and then i stick around because, helllooo, why would i leave?

everyone clears out except me, duh, and two of the coaches. the conversations that took place at this point were just amusing. i never knew guys had their own version of girl talk. maybe they don't know it either but they do.

i listened to them talk about birth control. and how it takes forever to wear off (or so they think). and how girls want to test myths about certain races and certain sizes, if ya catch my drift. they even talked about cooking. cooking chocolate bread. clothes were discussed. and how you need to tell girls when you love them. or something like that. i only half listened at that point because there was a girl learning stick shift in the parking lot and my car was right in the line of fire.

anyway. it's just stuff i thought only girls talked about together. i don't know why it amazes me that guys talk about this stuff with each other. like really. birth control. my mind is blown. i just always assumed that guys stuck to the usual "hey, did you catch the game last night? yeah, so and so threw the ball to blah blah blah and crossed that white line thing. it was freakin' awesome, man." but maybe not.

i'm still not over it.

all my love,
E.

the beginning

first everythings posts are always the worst so let's just power through this one, deal? i forced myself to take a spontaneous trip down memory lane the other day. that's right, i visited my former blog. that was something. nostalgic is probably the best word for what it was. life is so different from what it was in those posts. so instead of trying to update that space, why not make a new one? : )

and if you caught my friends reference in the first line of this post, we'll be friends for sure.

all my love,
E.


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